Self-esteem is the perception we have of ourselves. There are people who have good self-esteem and who are satisfied with themselves. However, there are others who have low self-esteem and this produces a series of negative consequences in their day-to-day life, such as, thinking that what they are and what they do is less valid than what others do and are.
As you can see, having good self-esteem is important. It is necessary. Maybe we don’t need it in the way we need food, but more so in the way we need vitamins. Without food you’d die, yet with very little of certain vitamins you won’t die but you won’t be as functional as you could be.
What is self esteem?
There is no consensus on which definition is the most appropriate. However, most authors define it as the confidence that a person has in himself or as the valuation that a person makes of himself. It is a very important construct because it is related to happiness. How we see ourselves conditions our life. People who have good self-esteem know how to resist criticism, open up better to others, learn to ask for help and therefore find it more rewarding to live.
Self-esteem can also be called self-image or self-concept, although they do not mean exactly the same thing. Self-concept refers to what we think of ourselves and self-image to the physical image we perceive of ourselves. Self-concept and self-image, among other things, can make our self-esteem be one or the other. For example, if what we think of ourselves is positive and we also believe that we are physically attractive, our self-esteem will probably be high.
Self-esteem begins most fundamentally in the self. (Rather ironic, no?) This being true, in order to build self esteem there are a couple of actions we can take that will generate unmistakable benefits and effects.
- Practice Living Consciously
- Practice Self-Acceptance
- Practice Self-Responsibility
- Practice Self-Assertiveness
- Practice Living Purposefully
- Practice Personal Integrity
Practice Living Consciously
The main idea of this practice is living with a mind that active rather than a mind that is passive. This is followed by knowing if my actions align with my purposes. It also involves not clouding my mind with any endeavor or substance that dulls my awareness.
When we lack this awareness and choose a passive mindset, it is easy to stick to that dead-end job, it’s easy to forego listening to our spouse, we would ignore the needs of the kids or friends, and eat the food we know is not healthy. When we decide to be conscious about life it facilitates choosing to pursue work that fulfills us, it makes it easier to express thankfulness to our partner as well as be present when around those we care about, and last, it promotes engaging in behaviors that are edifying to our future best self.
A person who is conscious will immediately start developing a more positive sense of self, which invariably leads to higher self esteem.
Practice Self-Acceptance
Many people with lower self-esteem tend to compare themselves to others. They especially do so with features that they have no control over (why am I not as tall as…? why am I not as attractive as? why did X pay more attention to Y than to me?). If I engage in this self-talk, I start a game that I can’t possibly win.
One good way to combat this and get started with self-acceptance is to list all the areas of life in which you can improve and then list 2 – 3 tasks that would lead to that improvement. List the things that can’t be changed, and claim acceptance over them. It is not acceptance but denial that often leaves us feeling stuck.
Some people mistakenly assume that self-acceptance blocks self-improvement. The truth is this works the other way around: self-improvement can only ever follow self-acceptance. Psychotherapists have seen that nothing does as much for someone’s self-esteem as becoming aware and accepting of parts of the self that have been disowned.
The first steps in healing are awareness and acceptance – consciousness and integration.
Practice Self-Responsibility
I don’t know any individual that always plays the victim, never takes responsibility over their lives and also has high self-esteem. In order to feel competent and live a life we feel is worth living, it is important that we feel control over our existence.
To take this control over your life you must be willing to accept responsibility for your actions and the attainment of your goals. If you are unwilling to take responsibility, then these are not desires, just day dreams.
Ask yourself right now, “What am I willing to do to get what I want?”
So in this sense it becomes important to take responsibility over our communications, relationships, goals, time management and ultimately happiness. No one is coming to save you and do these things for you. The sooner we make that idea click, the sooner we can realize that things are not going to happen in our lives until the Self takes action.
A person in control of their life will always feel a high level of self-esteem.
Practice Self-Assertiveness
One thing I wish everyone was taught before jumping head first into the real world is how to be 100% unapologetic about their own beliefs. Be authentic to yourself.
The more slap our own faces by denying our true self, the more we diminish that self-esteem which we have spent years wanting to build. This can happen many times because of the fear of self-assertiveness. In our society there is an implied (but sometimes explicit) source of safety in belonging, the family, the group, the community, and affiliation with the tribe. Because of this idea, individuation can seem like a threat to our safety and that of others.
When you acquiesce and start believing that fitting in is more desirable than standing out, you will struggle to embrace self-assertiveness. One of the ways we build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. Investing this courage in yourself will exponentially raise your self-esteem.
Practice Living Purposefully
When you meet someone who is passionate about their life and their endeavors, they tend to have a strong sense of purpose and therefore a high self-esteem.
“To live purposefully is, among other things, to live productively, which is a necessity of making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act of supporting our existence by translating our thoughts into reality, of setting our goals and working for their achievement, of bringing knowledge, goods, or services into existence.” – Nathaniel Branden
Imagine meeting a higher up at your company or in your industry and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is “I hope we succeed with our next project.” WHAT??? Get this “hope” stuff out of here. To live without purpose is to leave your life to chance. When you leave your life to chance, you increase feelings of uncertainty. This uncertainty will never beget a strong feeling of self-esteem.
In order to hold on your purpose I’d suggest the following steps
- Take responsibility for goals
- Identify actions you may take
- Monitor behavior and align with goals
- Pay attention to outcomes and adjust
Practice Personal Integrity
Notice this is personal integrity not someone else’s integrity. When we behave in ways that are in conflict with who we truly are, we lose face in our own eyes. With that, we immediately deplete our self-esteem.
One of the exercises that helps with this is to regularly reflect upon the values we have been taught and realizing whether we still hold them to be true or if we feel differently. In addition to that we can’t lie to ourselves about our beliefs just to avoid conflict. This doesn’t work and further plunges you down into negativity.
The moment we start being true to ourselves based on our own code of integrity, our self-esteem sky rockets. Always strive to tie action to beliefs. With that approach in your own life, you will never feel like you went wrong.
In practicing these six pillars we must do so without focusing so harshly on expectations or what is supposed to happen. Try to focus on each one of them for 2 weeks and see how your feelings and image of self start to change before your own eyes. All of these ideas are present in the following book: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
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